


The Devil in Disguise/Fool Me Once

by NotEnoughTimeOnMyHands



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Gen, Heartache, Hurt, Lizzington - Freeform, Love, Romance, lizzie/red - Freeform, wecanworkitout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-27
Packaged: 2018-01-05 19:18:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1097653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEnoughTimeOnMyHands/pseuds/NotEnoughTimeOnMyHands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>THIS STORY IS COMPLETE ON FF.NET<br/>This is an AU story filled with introspection that popped into my head. It’s a little melancholy to begin with (and maybe ongoing) – don’t say I didn’t warn you xx<br/>I guess I wonder if Lizzie would feel alone and maybe a little abandoned if Red leaves for longer than we imagine. What if it’s all too much change and she digs her heels in? </p><p>Posted on FF also. I'd love to hear your thoughts xx</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter

She woke chilled and alone. Somehow the early morning always caught her unaware. With the harsh light of dawn come the memories of her life, her broken marriage and her shattered dreams.

She lays still, the peace of the night dissolving in the light of the day. At first it’s always gradual but then the levee breaks and her sorrow rushes in.

He left 10 months ago. Her husband 8. She wonders where the time went, knowing she's coasted these months. But as the pain reaches its bitter crescendo and tears escape the corners of her eyes, she welcomes the numbness that replaces it. She knows it's wrong but it's better to feel nothing than to feel everything. It's the numbness that makes the days liveable, it's the lack of feeling that lets her work, move and exist. It may only be a shadow of a life but it's all she's got and it's all she's capable of.

Slowly she rises from her bed, making her way into the day. She puts on a good show. There's maybe only one person alive who could see past her false visage, but that person is missing from her life. She has a personal and professional need to find him and yet he evades her. He is purposely leaving her alone. She knows in her head why he's doing this but her hollow heart can't understand. The longer he stays away the more adrift she feels.

She hasn't told anyone how she feels but if she had to put it into words she'd say that she was now living a life without music. Once there was richness and beauty and now there is only emptiness and desolation. The worst of it for her is that she didn't appreciate, didn't know, what she had. The last time they spoke she was so busy looking for answers she neglected to thank him, forgot to express any warmth, any emotion besides confusion and bewilderment at her past and their dangerous present.

So she goes back to the Post Office and continues the futile task of searching for Raymond Reddington. 10 months of looking, 10 months of false leads and crushing disappointment. 10 months of waiting, wanting him to come back into her life.

 

Weekly she subjected to the mental and emotion prodding of an FBI psychiatrist. She isn't alone, the whole team (what's left of it anyway) were subjected to this following the turbulent events 10 months ago. Within weeks she and Ressler were the only ones still being seen. Now, months later, she alone continues. She knows it's because she hasn't opened up, hasn't made progress but it's just another humiliation, another isolation.

"Agent Keen" Dr Jacobs says, greeting her warmly. She's got to hand it to him, he never lets his frustration show, even in the face of her blatant hostility. Over the months she's become less hostile but no more forthcoming. Sometimes she thinks it's because there's nothing to tell and sometimes it's because she doesn't know where to begin.

"Elizabeth, let's pick up where we left off last week, shall we? You were telling me about your relationship with Raymond Reddington" The doctor begins.

Elizabeth would laugh out loud if that weren't something she'd forgotten how to do. She can't help the look of incredulity that touches her eyes, her lips. She's never answered anything more than basic questions about Red and he's alluding to more. She doesn't respond. She briefly wonders how long she can keep this up before she's suspended or dismissed from the bureau altogether. She knows it's probably inevitable.

She's changed over the months, Red leaving was the catalyst and the truth about Tom was the nail in the coffin. She was fooled into believing he loved her; she married him, shared a bed, shared every intimacy, shared her nightmares and dreams of a family. It mocks her now, the past. Red knew all this, knew about Tom and their sham of a marriage. He knew she'd been played and he knew why, and she remains in the dark about much of her own life even now that its fallen apart.

Dr Jacobs speaks again, dragging her painfully into the moment, "perhaps you'd like to tell me something about Reddington that I don't know. How he got to know so much about you. What caused you to open up to him Elizabeth?"

Her head is full of thoughts of Tom and her cheeks burn with the shame. She's flustered by the question about Red and the supposed intimacy implied there. It's this that causes her to snap and finally give an answer about more than the superficial, "I didn't open up to him, Red has a persistent inquisitiveness that wears a person down".

To his credit the doctor doesn't so much as blink in surprise when he finally gets an answer from his most reluctant patient.

"How so Elizabeth?" He tries to encourage but knows the less he says the better.

Elizabeth looks out of the window. She watches the world and the distant sky passing by for sometime before she speaks, "he gives me space." She begins then pauses, "not always physical ... but when we're talking he allows a silence that he means for me to fill. At first I wasn't sure what it all meant but I learned what to do over time". She stops again, her trance like stare into the distant continuing. "He listens, and when it's necessary he listens to the silence and hears the story there too."

She stops then, numb and lost. She thinks Toms leaving was a betrayal but Red's was like a death. One she hasn't grieved for and for which she can find no cause. Maybe that's why his departure hit her harder. She's says little of significance the rest of the session. She wonders if she ever will again.

As she leaves, the doctor says he'll see her again the next week. She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes and his frown continues long after she's shut the door and returned to her duties.

Dr Jacobs updates his records on Elizabeth Keen. He wonders just how well she's coping with her life. There are so many questions he has for her but she seems to have so few answers. He wonders why she didn't change her name after her husband’s departure and the subsequent uncontested dissolution of their marriage. He wonders why she continues to work at the Post Office given that her education and FBI training mean she'd be more suited, more comfortable perhaps, elsewhere. Most of all he wonders if she'll ever realise or acknowledge the feelings she had obviously developed, and now so readily suppresses, for Raymond Reddington.

 

Back at the Post Office Elizabeth works steadily alongside Meera Malik and Donald Ressler following up countless leads. In spite of any reluctance on her part, and despite all lack of effort from her and Donald the three of them have grown closer, bonding over the mystery of Reds disappearance and their joint determination to track him down.

Frequently the other two leave to track down a lead or on a Reddington related mission, unfortunately she hadn't yet been cleared for such active duty. She still hadn't grown accustomed to the frustrating hopelessness that sets in during their absence. She works longer and harder during such times, trying to justify her place in the team.

No matter how deep they dig they never seem to get any closer. When the long work day ends they frequently make their way to some bar or to Meera's apartment, continuing their conversations about leads or potential Blacklisters that might be withholding information. Elizabeth thinks Donald could be the key, since he's hunted Red for years. But he's convinced she has the answers, since it was her Reddington summoned when he surrendered to the FBI. Each night ends with the same frantic silence.

Life continues much as it has for the last 10, now almost 11 months. Elizabeth works long hours and makes her compulsory weekly trips to Dr Jacobs. She not as closed off to him as she was, the little she let slip proved cathartic, yet still she's reluctant to divulge the depth of her feeling. Mostly she's aware that she trusted a man, her husband, a wolf in sheep's clothing and she doesn't want to have to explain how she could also have trusted another man, so dangerous that he doesn't bother with a disguise. Nor can she explain why the absence of such a man has caused her this all consuming misery.

If he were ever to return, what then? She can't trust him. ‘Criminals are notorious liars’, she hears him say, the sound of his voice in her head acting like a jolt of electricity. No, she can't trust him. She's already been taken in by someone she cared about. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. She's searching for a man who doesn't want to be found. A man who, if she finds him, she doesn't want. The irony of the situation is not lost on her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We need to wait a little longer for Red to return but this gives an insight into Lizzie's state of mind xxxx

Chapter 2: thanks for the kudos and comments. I'm glad their story resonates with people, I've enjoyed it too xxxx

 

 

The next day in the Post Office more leads prove to be false Reddington trails. Since his name became the only one of The Blacklist they've tried to build an even clearer picture of him than the one Ressler had helped to build before Red's surrender. There are still so many holes and he could be hiding or have fallen into any one of them.

Later the same day they receive unconfirmed reports of his death. It isn't the first time in the 10 months that this has happened and just like in the previous occasions it has a physical and psychological effect on Elizabeth. Immediately her heart rate increases, and adrenaline seems to fuel her movements, her very thoughts. She pushes herself to extremes to corroborate or contradict all of these reports, all the while attempting to hide this desperation from her colleagues. There is an agonising torture in not knowing the truth, one which her weary spirit is incapable of bearing. As a team they reach out to Dembe as they usually do but he's become harder and harder to reach.

The source of the report is in DC and no more or less credible than the last, so Cooper calls the team together. He wants them to apprehend the source, bring him in for questioning and see if he can provide evidence to support his claim.

Meera and Ressler leave for the armoury and while she makes her way back to her office, the familiar hopelessness begins to take route in Elizabeth. Then unnoticed by her Cooper emerges from the room she just vacated. "Keen, you're back on active duty. Get suited up with Malik and Ressler." She sees something in his eyes, maybe doubt, maybe hesitation but she tries to push that aside, "Yes Sir" she responds. She turns and has to stop herself from sprinting to catch the others.

Their target is located in an apartment in a run down neighbourhood south of the capital. Intel says he's alone but since the area has been so active they've found ongoing surveillance difficult. The plan was to go in at night, hard and fast, with their team leading the assault.

Despite her training and the on the job experience she'd amassed, Elizabeth knows leading an assault of this nature will be a challenge. But she wants to be involved in future field work so she decides she needs to prove herself here. She briefly wonders if her uncertainty and desperation will prove to be dangerous bedfellows but what does she have to lose?

All seems well early on, as well as any heavily armed FBI assault on a little know target can go. She feels confident in their man power. Her team are taking the stairs and only 4 flights below when they hear gunfire. The building lights go down, she knows this is their doing but it couldn't have come at a worse time. They signal to each other and as a group continue to silently climb towards apartment 812. They move onto the landing on level 5 and check the hallway for anything suspicious.

As a unit they begin to proceed when they hear more gun fire and a series of earth shattering screams from above. Instinct takes over and Elizabeth begins to bound up the stairs two at a time. She barely pauses on each landing to ensure it's clear. The rest of the team begin to chase her but caution and the residual effects from Ressler's injury all those months ago hold them back.

She makes the 8th floor in no time, her heart pounding in her ears, adrenaline increasing her every sense. Using her training she moves into the hallway fluidly, sweeping for any potential threat.

Down the corridor, exiting what is surely apartment 812 she sees a dark figure. She observes from the shadows, trying to see if the figure is armed. She hears the rest of the team reach the landing. Ressler emerges first and she silences him with a signal. They take defensive positions before radioing the other teams with an update.

Cooper, who is coordinating, says they've to wait for the other teams to reach their local then move in on whomever is inside. Elizabeth doesn't want to follow the order but knows better than to break rank.

Finally with everyone in position they begin to move. No sooner are they out of the shadows than the lone figure in the hallway spots them and opens fire. Elizabeth immediately returns fire and the target goes down. At the door of 812 they signal to see who'll take point, who'll lead them in to God knows what.

Elizabeth is incensed when Ressler indicates she'll be at the back. But before she had time to argue they are moving in.

Inside the apartment is darker than the hallway; it smells stale with the smell of recent gunfire hanging heavily in the air. Ahead of her shots are fired and returned, one agent goes down and Elizabeth uses this as an opportunity to move towards the front.

To her left a corridor opens up. She sees movement in a door way and breaks off from the group, following whomever is moving to hide deeper in the apartment.

The door to the room isn't all the way closed, but still Elizabeth pushes it a little wider before entering. The room is black and though she can't see anything her senses tell her someone else is in the room. She hopes to keep her back to the wall and continue to move into the room, but the room is deceptively big and the person she's followed has already moved into the space and is making his way behind her.

She senses the movement knowing she's in trouble, attempting to move silently so she's not at an even greater disadvantage. Then in her ear piece Ressler demands her position, the sound may be muffled but it's enough to confirm her location and she's heavily tackled from behind.

She lands painfully, hitting her head off some unknown object on her way down. She's dazed but knows she has to fight. Her gun is knocked from her hand and slides into the darkness. She tries to push but her assailant is too big, too strong. She tries punching but he's so close there is no real weight behind it.

She's aware of more gunfire in the apartment and worries that they're losing despite their number. Panic begins to claw its way up her throat and she tries to push it back down. Then she violently twists her whole body, bringing her elbow up, hoping she judged his head height well enough. Sure enough she hears and feels as it makes contact. The man slumps to the side and she's got just enough space to crawl in the direction of her gun.

Just as her hand finds the metal her attacker wakes up, immediately groping the space around him trying to find her. He catches her leg and begins to drag her back. Luckily she retained her grip on her fire arm and as he begins to rain heavy blows down on her body she aims and fires.

Again he slumps, only this time he won't awaken. Elizabeth scrambles to her feet and stumbles towards the door. The whole encounter lasted a matter of minutes but she knows that Ressler will be worried since she didn't respond. She wants to find him. Reassure him she's safe despite recklessly not following protocol.

As she continues towards the main living area of the apartment she seems Donald but she also seems another assailant closing in on him. For the third time tonight she raises her arm and pulls the trigger. The noise of her fire arm alerts Ressler to the danger and he swings round aiming his gun at her and the now dead man on the floor between them.

"Where the hell did you go Keen?" He seethes as he moves towards her.

"I followed someone who was trying to hide out in the back" she responds.

"Next time keep me in the loop and take back up, you hear me?" He barks back.

She knows there's blood on her face from the wound she sustained in the fall. She knows she must look dishevelled from the struggle and that all of this combined makes it look like she can't hold her own but she just saved his life and thinks that should count for something. In response she just lets out an exasperated puff of air.

Slowly they make their way back to the room she came from. They both enter cautiously, moving further into the room than Elizabeth managed previously. They sweep the room as best they can in the very low light coming in from the hallway but find nothing further.

They are moving towards each other when the faintest shadow is cast across the door. Without thinking Elizabeth dives towards Donald, turning her body in the direction of the door and firing just as shots begin to come at them. She feels the burning heat on her left arm and knows she's been hit. Luckily her bullets have also met their target and the gunfire stops.

"Jesus Keen, do you have a death wish?" Donald groans from underneath her.

"You know Donald, others would be appreciative of the fact I've saved their life twice. Be you go right ahead and bitch like a little girl" she retorts, angered and in pain.

A quick look at her arm confirms she's injured but luckily it's little more than grazed, leaving a deep and bloody gash.

In their ear pieces they begin to hear agents as they confirm rooms to be clear and assailants dead or apprehended. After several minutes, in which Elizabeth tries to wrap her arm and Donald continues to moan, they get confirmation that their informant is dead.

Donald looks at her, "fuck" he curses. She barely hears him as her heart again starts to pound, dominating her consciousness and her attention. Her eyes glaze over and she fears the worst for Red.

"Keen... Keen... Elizabeth!" Donald shouts breaking through her haze.

"What?" She asks suddenly unsure, unsteady but trying not to let him know.

"Let's get out of here. We need to debrief and you better get that arm looked at". He says only vaguely aware that she seems off.

Of course Donald suspected there was something between Elizabeth and Reddington. But after all these months working with her she's never once let slip her feelings, not once let him know how much she missed Red or how directionless she was without him.

Ressler wonders after all these months if he'd just imagined an attraction or attachment between them. They've searched fruitlessly for so long for Reddington that he feels like a ghost, as does every tiny action and effect that he left in his wake.

When they exit the building they find Cooper with Meera. When he seems her he looks shocked, "Keen, what the hell happened to you". She doesn't know what to say, she must be in worse shape than she thought. Luckily she's approached by two paramedics and Ressler is left to explain her injuries. She's a little concerned but since she saved him she assumes Ressler will have her back.

Hours later she's home. They've still heard nothing from Dembe and she feels a mounting anxiety. The techs have hunted down mobile phone and computer records for the informant and are sifting them to see if they can find anything to support his claims of Red's demise.

Elizabeth sits on her sofa as night departs and dawn creeps in, her bruises darken, her body hurts but there is nothing she can do. Cooper insisted that she go home. Telling her he doesn't want to see her in the Post Office till Friday. He claims she needs to recuperate from her injuries. But without news of Red she's in limbo. Over the next few days Ressler and Meera try to keep her in the loop but there is still no news. They take this as a good sign, knowing there would be some confirmation by now but Elizabeth is still desperate.

In an effort to keep busy she files the paperwork required to change her name legally back to Sam's last name. She follows it up with the bureau and wonders why it took her so long. The change will take a few weeks to be implemented but it's a start.

Her apartment is like a prison while she waits to be allowed to return to work. Unconsciously she stares at her phone, almost willing it to ring but the silence continues. A year ago she had a life and now she has little of anything. She wonders if this is rock bottom but then she worries that there is still a way to go. She's not sure of anything except how bleak her life feels.


End file.
